The Stories of Epicness
by TheLemonWedges
Summary: Never before read accounts of the vampire world :D Basically a load of really important random moments that should have been in the books but weren't...for many reasons.....R
1. The Manor

Disclaimer: We do not own Twilight or Jasper....unfortunately

**Hey this is the first chapter of our random collection of randomness. Please review and let us know what you think :D **

The Manor

"Oh the woe," Jasper sulked, trailing behind Edward in a dark alley somewhere in the middle of Rochester. "We're going to be stuck in puberty for the rest of our lives!"

"I know, but at least you can still get into 18s. I'm doomed to soppy high school movies for the rest of eternity." Edward agreed, slumping against his brother.

"Yeah, that sucks man…Hey! I have an idea!" Jasper perked up. "I heard there's a club near hear somewhere. How about we check it out? We can party away our sorrows!"

"But Bella wants me back by nine…." Edward sighed miserably.

"Oh who cares!? You're too perfect in her eyes to do anything wrong. She'll believe anything you tell her. Just pretend we fell into a something…"

"Yeah, because vampires often fall into ditches!"

"Like I said, she'd still believe you."

"True," Edward nodded. "There's still one more problem though. I can't get into clubs. You have to be 18."

"Ah, no one could resist your smile Ed! You'll be fine!" Jasper grabbed Edward by the collar of his shirt and pulled him along the alley and up a few streets until they reached a small concealed staircase, leading down to a bright pink door labelled 'The Manor.' "Here it is!" They bounded down the staircase in one inhuman leap and went inside. Edward grinned at one of the bouncers and he let them through without further question. Loud music was blaring from the decks and the floor was practically full up. Trying to get in with the crowd, Jasper and Edward started jumping up and down randomly.

"Careful Jazz," Edward warned. "If we bounce any higher they'll know we're not human."

"Ah yes," Jasper tried to tone down his enthusiasm. They'd never been to a night club before. "Hey Edward…" He said after a few minutes. "Have you noticed there are no…."

"Well hello there gorgeous!" A voice came from behind Edward, interrupting Jasper.

"Oh my gosh…."Edward jumped. "Someone just touched me!" Too scared to turn around, the two faced the other way, humming to themselves.

"Playing hard to get are we?" The voice came again, this time next to Edward's ear. Edward squirmed under pressure. _What am I supposed to do?_ With a start he realised that the voice sounded extremely familiar. He opened up his mind, trying to hear the person's thoughts. Jasper didn't need to do anything, he could already feel the lust rippling off.

"EW!" Edward screamed, immediately shutting down. There was only one person he knew who had a mind that dirty. Two if he included Esme. "EMMETT!" Edward jerked around smacking a mortified Emmett in the head.

"Feisty…." Emmett stood back up. "That was one heck of a hit….wait….Edward!?" Jasper tried to hold back the inexistent nausea that was threatening to overcome him so slipped back into the crowd to pretend he was never there. These memories would scar him for the rest of his existence.

"Oh my god, I just hit on my own brother!" Emmett's face twisted in horror. "Rose is going to kill me!"

"What the hell are you doing here!?" Edward led him round to a deserted area of the club.

"I could ask you the same! Seriously Edward, a gay bar!? What were you thinking?"

"A gay bar!" Edward realised with a shock. That was what Jasper had tried to point out to him. There were no women. "I didn't know it was a gay bar!"

"You didn't?" Emmett raised his eyebrows.

"No I didn't. And plus, it was Jazz's idea."

"Jasper's here too?"

"Err yes….he was just…." Edward turned around. Jasper was no where to be seen. Suddenly, he spotted him backed into a corner by three guys. Jasper looked up in horror and mouthed 'help!' Edward rolled his eyes and pulled Jasper away. The men sneered at him.

"So you still haven't answered my question. What are you doing in a gay bar?" Edward and Jasper turned back to Emmett, Jasper with his hands on his hips.

"Errm….." Emmett bit his lip. "Well, Rosalie always expects me to be so macho at home and I decided I needed some me-time. You know, get in touch with my feminine side." Emmett looked down, fumbling with his shirt. Suddenly, Edward and Jasper burst out laughing. "It's not funny!" Emmett protested.

"It really is….bet Rose doesn't know you're gay!" Jasper doubled over in fits of laughter.

"I'm not gay!"

"You hit on me!" Edward pointed out.

"You were the first one! I've never hit on any other guy before!"

"Sure you haven't….."

"Oh come on Ed, you could turn any guy gay."

"True," Edward grinned, nodding.

"So while we're here, we might as well enjoy ourselves…." Jasper said, edging back towards the crowd.

"Why not?" Edward agreed, bouncing up and down again with Jasper.

"Well, if you won't tell my wife, I won't tell yours." Emmett joined them and they partied late into the night.

**There you go now pleeeaaaseee review :D**

**TLW x**


	2. Orange Nokia

Disclaimer: We don't own Orange but we do own a Orange No-kia :D We also don't own Marcus....

**Hey this is the next chapter in the lives of the vampires, focussing on the Volturi this time. And please please review! :D or else we know where you live...**

Orange No-kia

Marcus was sitting alone in the throne room of the Volturi lair being as bored as usual, when suddenly, he heard a strange beeping sound. At first he tried to ignore it and eventually the annoying beeping stopped. But then it started again. After several minutes of continuous beeping on and off Marcus discovered for the first time in 1000 years that his curiosity and annoyance had got the better of him; so he decided to do something he had hardly ever done before. Marcus decided to investigate…

Marcus walked over to the coffee table in the corner of the room - which no one ever actually used but it looked good - where a small silver object was vibrating on a chair.

"What in the name of AB-negative is this INFERNAL CONTRAPTION?!?" Marcus said picking up the object. Suddenly he dropped it.

"HOLY CARLISLE! IT'S ALIVE!" The object fell on the floor vibrating. After a while it stopped vibrating and Marcus picked it up. There seemed to be some sort of writing on it.

"What is this 'Orange No-kia' thing?" He flipped open the top and across the screen he read 5 missed calls. The first name read Stefan. Accidentally, he pressed the recall button.

A muffled voice came from the speaker so he held it to his ear to hear better.

" Wazzup Felix. Blud. Brother from another mother. How's it hanging in the ghetto, is Oreo giving you grief?" Marcus jumped back aghast. It really was alive, and it sounded exactly like Stefan. Marcus whispered into the phone, "Oreo?"

"Ya man, you know, Aro bruv!"

"Bruv?"

"Wait, who is this? Is that Felix?"

"ummm… no… its Marcus, are you blind or something?"

"Oh well hello there my dearest friend, I apologise for that… outburst, it was Vladimir's idea."

"Oh it's quiet alright dear chap, quite alright. By the way would you mind telling me what this spiffing contraption is?"

"Why it's a mobile phone."

"Pray, tell me what is this mobile phone you speak of?"

"Well, it's a cellular device that allows communication with the outside world. That is how you are able to speak to me right now."

"So you mean you're not actually here?"

"No, Marcus. I'm on a holiday with Vladimir in Ibiza."

"That's fascinating!" Marcus pondered the possibilities of what he had discovered. "So can I speak to whomever I choose?"

"If they're number is in Felix's phonebook…"

"And where can I find this book?"

"It's cleverly concealed within the mobile. Fiddle about with the buttons and you'll find it eventually."

"Thank you very much my dear friend who is also my mortal enemy."

"No problem, could you get Felix to ring me back when you're done?"

"Ah yes, will do!"

"Farewell!" The line went dead. Marcus stared at the mobile phone in admiration. _The possibilities are endless!_

Marcus experimented with a few of the buttons and eventually found the phone book. He read them aloud trying to figure out who the people were.

"Stef and Vlad, that Stefan and Vladimir,

Tanny-blud, that must be Tanya,

Super-hot-Vicky-who-is-now-dead… Victoria,

Dog-boy…. Probably one of those shape shifting weirdo's,

Mikey Newton... no idea who he is…" after going though the list he came to a folder named 'Cullen' "Oohh, I wonder what's in this?" Marcus entered the folder.

"Essiemuffin, Carliewoo, Slutface, the Emster, Eddiekins, Bells, mutant baby, my true love allywally, man who is in the way of my true love and is a complete EMO I don't know why she loves him." Marcus stared at the phone incredulously. "Felix has ISSUES!" He scrolled down to the 'emo' name and clicked it. The phone rang a few times and eventually Jasper picked it up.

"What do you want Felix?" He asked. "I specifically told you I did not want to talk to anyone for the next 10 years. I'm busy being emo."

"So am I dear chap," Marcus replied. "It's Marcus, not Felix."

"Marcus! Why this is a surprise! I've been wanting to ask you something seeing as you are the greatest emo of them all."

"Ask away dear child," Marcus smiled.

"How do you penetrate vampire skin?"

"Why do you want to know that?"

"I've been trying to slit my wrists," Jasper explained.

"Ah, a very intricate process…." Marcus proceeded to explain the ins and outs of vampire self-harming for the next half an hour to an extremely eager Jasper. Once he had spoken to Jasper, he had a very interesting conversation with Carlisle about their previous relationships with the Romanian Vampires and Stefan and Vladimir's newly discovered homosexuality. He then spoke to Rosalie about hair care products.

"So if you cut your hair will it grow back?" He asked her, twirling a strand of his hair. "And can you even cut it in the first place?"

"No, it's tragic. I used to change my hairstyle regularly when I was human. In fact, I was planning on getting a side fringe but then I was changed into a vampire and now I'm doomed to look old-fashioned for eternity."

"Ah that sucks," Marcus agreed. "So if you have a really bad hairstyle when you're changed, there's no hope?"

"Exactly. That's why Jazz is so emo. He was going to cut his hair but he never got time when he was in the army." Marcus heard Jasper muttering something in the background about jumping off a cliff. After his fascinating talk with Rosalie, Marcus phoned up Edward and discussed skin rejuvenating body lotions before having a brief chat with Renesmee regarding interesting TV programmes that may help to arouse his curiosity further. She recommended In the Night Garden and Power Rangers. Marcus particularly enjoyed the latter. After phoning the 21st person, Marcus decided that he had used up his curiosity allowance for an entire century so resumed sitting in his throne, staring absent-mindedly at the ceiling.

_2 days later…_

"That's it! I have no choice Felix! YOU ARE GROUNDED!" Caius shouted at Felix.

"What have I done now?" He sighed, blowing his newly painted nails dry. The venom would end up dissolving it soon anyway.

"What have you done!? _What have you done!?_" Caius huffed.

"That's what I just asked _you_ duh…" Felix rolled his eyes.

"What you have done, my child," Aro stepped into the room. "Is waste THREE THOUSAND EUROS!"

"What?" Felix looked up.

"I specifically told you to keep an eye on your phone bill Felix! Well you just blew your last chance!"

"But…" Felix protested.

"No buts! Last time you spent two hundred euros texting Victoria; the time before that you spent hundreds trying to win that stupid gameshow trip to Rome! Which is only a ten minutes run away!"

"Oh yeah…" Felix bit his lip. "But I didn't do anything this time! I kept a close eye on all my calls and I lost my phone anyway, two days ago!"

"Before or after you made 103 phone calls?" Aro raised his eyebrows. He pulled out the phone bill and began to call out some of the places Felix had supposedly rung up. "Almost all of the Cullens…" Felix grimaced. "Stefan! What were you doing calling up the Romanians!? They're like our mortal enemies! Or rather immortal enemies…" Aro shook his head. "And who is this Professor Flitwick? Oh and Elise from Sweden? The call girl who charges 5 euros a minute! And you were speaking to her for 12! Really Felix, what were you thinking!?"

"That wasn't me!" Felix stamped his foot. Marcus looked up from where he was sitting.

"Then who did!?!" Aro said.

"Look, touch my hand! I didn't do it!"

"No way am I touching your hand! I don't know where its been, and I don't want to know! You're grounded and THAT'S my final decision." Felix growled and stomped out of the room.

"Kids these days…" Marcus mumbled, inconspicuously texting behind his back.

**There you go :D Now you see that little green button thingy right there. Yes, that one. Press it. Yes, like that. Now leave us a comment. Thanks.**

**TLW x**


	3. Furballs

Disclaimer: We don't own Nahuel or nessie but we do own english football :D

**Here's a short one by VegetarianVampire17 and WOKgeotobi (the same people who wrote the first two ones) Please review :D**

Furballs

"Edward, dear?" Bella peeked her head in to the lounge where Edward, Jasper and Emmett were watching a game of _English_ football on their brand new 60-inch plasma TV.

"Yes?" Edward didn't look away from the game.

"I need you to sort the kids out again…"

"What have they done this time?"

"Well Nahuel came round and Jacob got into a bit of an argument with him…"

"Oh. That's ok then. As long as they stay outside." Edward slumped back into his chair.

"Edward!" Bella ran over to the TV and stood in front of it, hand on her hips.

"BELLA!" The three boys screamed at once, tilting their heads to try and get a better view.

"Jacob and Nahuel are killing each other out there and I can't believe you're just sitting here watching _football_!!"

"And your point is?" Jasper said, almost horizontal by now.

"Ugh! You guys are so annoying!" Bella stamped her foot and started to have a hissy fit. "Edward, if you don't help then I'm banning you from the cottage tonight!"

"That's ok, I was planning on watching match of the day anyway." Edward grinned. "I Sky+ed it." Suddenly, a large yelp came from the back of the house, followed by a smashing of glass. Edward's eyes bulged.

"MY MIRROR!" He screamed darting towards the dining room. "That only got delivered TODAY!" He growled as he saw Jacob and Nahuel leaning over the smashed mirror, having a thumb war.

"ONE TWO THREE FOUR I win the thumb war!" Nahuel laughed.

"That's not fair!" Jacob moaned. "You weren't holding my thumb down properly!"

"Well that's how we play it in the ghetto." Nahuel grinned. "Haha! I win the bet!"

"What bet!?" Edward sneered, frantically trying to put together the mirror.

"Whoever wins gets Nessie." Nahuel said triumphantly.

"Oh ok…" Edward continued picking up the shattered glass.

"You don't care?" Jacob asked incredulously.

"Nahuel won, right?" Edward looked up.

"Yes!" Nahuel beamed.

"So I don't have a problem with it." Edward smiled, patting Nahuel on the head.

"But…..but…." Jacob stuttered, mortified. "Nessie's mine!"

"I beg to differ," Edward glowered at him. "She's my daughter so I get to decide who she marries."

"Bella will have something to say about this!" Jacob dragged Bella – who was listening intently from the other room – into the dining room. "Well?"

"Err…..Nahuel won fair and square." Bella mumbled, biting her lip.

"But you like me better!" Jacob protested. "Nessie likes me better!"

"Well, you shouldn't have been such an idiot and have gambled her future on a thumb war!" Bella pointed out.

"Plus, I don't want furballs for grandchildren…" Edward added, scowling at Jacob. Tremors began to rack Jacob's body as he prepared to phase.

"Oh do stop being such a baby!" Nessie rolled her eyes, skipping into the room. Jacob immediately calmed down. "Now would someone mind telling me what is going on?"

"Jacob and Nahuel had a thumb war to decide who you'd marry and Nahuel won." Bella stated while Jacob and Nahuel blushed.

"Oh ok then!" Nessie beamed.

"Not you too!" Jacob shrieked.

"What?"

"I thought you liked me better!"

"I do." Nessie smiled apologetically at Nahuel. "Sorry I've kinda known him since before I was born."

"Haha! So you don't accept this stupid thumb war thing."

"I didn't say that."

"Huh?" Jacob's face fell.

"You'll always be my friend Jakey, but I'd prefer to marry Nahuel over you."

"But…but….why?" Jacob mumbled, almost in tears.

"I don't want furballs for children…."

**Ok please review and let us know what you think xD Also let us know if you have any suggestions for future chapters.**

**TLW x**


	4. The New Cars

Disclaimer: We do not own a nissan micra....or a smart car....

**Here's one from The Return of Emmet Cullen. Enjoy!**

The New Cars

"I can't believe we didn't realise before!" Jasper wailed.

"I know! It's outrageous!" Esme agreed.

"It's not fair! Even my self absorbed Barbie doll sister gets a car!"

"It's okay. I know." Esme said comfortingly. "You may not share my surname, or my genetics, but you are my son. I understand you."

"Okay, drop the patronising tone," Jasper said soberly.

"Sorry, motherly instincts. Brings out the worst in you." Esme apologised. "Look, I know I try and be environmentally friendly and I don't particularly want to loose my title as 'The Ecofriendly Vampire', but in this case, I'm willing to loose my dignity, my pride, my…"

"I get the point," Jasper interrupted.

"Sorry, what I mean to say is, son, let's go buy you a car."

With that, the two vampires sauntered off to Seattle to buy their new cars.

"This place looks good," Jasper said happily.

"Are you sure son?" Esme said warily. "The place looks a bit macho to me."

"Macho?"

"Yes, look at those burly men in there," Esme shuddered. "It's not a fitting place for a delicate boy like you."

"A delicate…are you saying I'm not mach enough to go in here?" Jasper said accusingly.

"No, that's not what I'm saying. It's just…"

"My own mother. My OWN mother!" Jasper wailed.

"Look, I'm sorry. Let's go in," Esme said, walking up to the garage door and holding it open for Jasper.

"Ladies first," Jasper said, stopping at the doorway.

"Yes, but men just before," Esme smirked.

"Fine," Jasper huffed, walking into the garage.

Jasper and Esme walked around the garage, inspecting the cars and pulling faces at each other through the window.

"Can I help you?" a salesman asked.

"Um, yes," Esme said, "We're looking for a car. Do you have any cars?"

"Gee, I dunno? It's hard to find cars in a car garage." The salesman said sarcastically.

"Don't you dare use that tone with me young man!" Esme scolded.

"Excuse me?" the man furrowed his eyebrows.

"Respect your elders! Now, can you show me and my son some cars!"

"Sure," the man said numbly. "What sort of car are you looking for?"

"Um, well," Esme stammered.

"A car statement. Something that says fashion, acceptance, chic," Jasper said, shoving Esme out of the way

"Oh, then I believe I have the perfect car for you," the salesman smiled.

"I want one too!" Esme said indignantly.

"And what, madam, would you like," the grinned.

"An environmentally friendly vehicle with satellite navigation, air conditioning, heating, two seats and…of course… heated seats!"

"Well, then, I believe I have the perfect car for the _both_ of you."

"Look what we got!" Jasper beamed at Emmett, Rosalie, Alice, Carlisle, Edward and Bella, who were all sitting around the kitchen table.

"I can't see anything," Emmett grumbled.

"That's because they haven't got anything," Rosalie scoffed

"Actually we have got something," Jasper said defensively.

"Yes we have!" Esme agreed. "We just didn't think it would be fitting if we brought our new belongings in here. They are rather bulky after all."

"Yes, they are. Would you like to see?" Jasper hinted.

"Sure, why not," Alice said, skipping to his side.

"Might as well," Edward and Bella chimed in together.

"Emmett? Rose?"

"Sure. We'll come," Emmett boomed. "Might as well see what this grand thing you guys bought actually is. Rose?"

"I don't see the point. It's only some dumb thing that my brother and mother bought," Rosalie huffed.

"Rose, be nice," Emmett scolded.

"Fine! I'll come. But don't expect me to do anything."

"We wouldn't dream of it," Bella laughed, rolling her eyes.

"Come on! Stop dilly daddling around!" Esme said, bustling out of the kitchen, Jasper and the others close behind her.

When they reached the garage door, Esme told them to wait as she and Jasper opened the garage and rolled a sheeted lump towards the others.

"What is it?" Carlisle asked.

"Man, what a rip off!" Emmett laughed. "A large sheet!"

"It's not a sheet you idiot! There's something underneath it. It's a…" Edward began, and then he burst out laughing. "You didn't…" he shook his head manically.

"Don't ruin the effect!" Jasper snapped, silencing him. "Well, here it is. Da da!" With that he pulled the sheet off to reveal a…

"You bought a _smart car_?" Emmett grinned. "A _smart car_!?!"

"What's wrong with a smart car? I think it's lovely," Esme smiled warmly at Jasper.

"Exactly. It's lovely. A statement. It says chic, cool…" Jasper began.

"But it's a freaking _girls _car. Wait! Not even girls would drive it!" Emmett burst out.

"Smart cars happen to be very popular in LLANFAIRWLLGWYNGLLGOGERYYCHWYRNDROBWILLLLANTYSILIOGOGOGOCH**!" **

"Where's that?" Emmett asked, disbelievingly.

"No idea," Bella mumbled.

"Somewhere far away?" Alice guessed.

"A fragment of your twisted imagination," Rosalie muttered.

"Oh for goodness sake. It's in _Wales_!" Jasper burst out.

"Oh, I'm so sorry. I should have known it was in _Wales_." Emmett said sarcastically.

"Yeah, we go there _all_ the time," Carlisle grinned.

"It's cute," Alice said. "Not really my thing, but it's okay."

"Wait till you see the interior!" Jasper said excitedly, putting his arm around his wife.

"Oooh, can we go for a drive. The car just looks so pretty!" Alice beamed, jumping up and down enthusiastically.

"Aw," Emmett grinned. "You and Jazzy go off in the new _pwetty _car."

"Leave them alone!" Edward grinned, elbowing Emmett in the ribs. "You go have your ride." He said to Jasper and Alice.

The couple got into the car and zoomed off.

"Pretty fast for such a small thing," Emmett shrugged.

"Are you saying small things can't go fast?" Esme said, raising her eyebrows.

"Mm, you're right," he mused. "Edward can go pretty fast."

"I'm six foot two!" Edward said indignantly.

"Exactly, tiny."

"Are you boys going to continue arguing or do you want to see my car?" Esme asked briskly.

"Dear, you didn't say that _you_ bought a car," Carlisle said carefully.

"Well now you do," Esme said, smiling. She went into the garage and started the engine.

"It's really quiet for a car," Bella mused.

Just then Esme drove out in a gleaming red Nissan Micra…

"You bought a Nissan Micra?" Carlisle said nervously.

"Yes, I Bought A Nissan Micra!" Esme beamed at her family staring gob smacked at her. "A Nissan Micra…"

**Ok now please review :D Kthx**

**TLW x**


	5. Haircuts

**Disclaimer: Twilight is not mine and neither is 'house of the dead', but Esme's favourite table is mine. AND NONE OF YOU CAN HAVE IT!**

**This is the next chapter , VEGATERIANVAMPIRE DON'T KILL ME! *hides*. It's a snow day I'm SO bored and I had to post it for the purpose of my sanity! You can change the many mistakes I made in it later D: - written by WOKgeotobi**

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Hair Cuts

It was just an ordinary day at the Cullen house. Bella and Edward were by the stereo, Bella showing Edward some of her endless collection of muse CD's. Emmett and Jasper were on the Wii playing their new game 'House of the dead 3' with Rosalie watching looking bored. Alice sat at the computer surfing the net for some new clothes.

"DIE ZOMBIE SCUM!! HAHA!" Emmett screamed at the screen "Oh yeah COME AND GET ME! WAIT SH*T! I'm dead…"

"Idiot" Jasper murmured under his breath. He continued though the levels until he died. They both looked at their rankings.

"What! D! no way, I was MUCH better than that" Emmett complained. "What did you get?"

"S, as usual"

"How comes you always get the top score!"

"I was in the army you know, and you kill them instantly if you go for the head and not to mention you…"

" Bla Bla Bla, be quite, your so boring." Emmett turned his head to go look for some new games to play. Jasper sighed and sat down on the sofa. Rosalie looked at herself in her mirror.

"Hey Rose, can I borrow you mirror for a second?"

"Why?"

"I want to look at my reflection, dur." Rosalie passed over the mirror. She whispered under her breath about him being vain. He looked at himself in the mirror for a while and eventually said "God I hate my hair" Rosalie looked at him.

"Why don't you change it then?"

"I've tried, but scissors just aren't sharp enough to cut it and vampire hair just doesn't grow" He sulked. Alice chirped into the conversation. "OMG, like, what if you were just and ordinary human getting a hair cut at the barber shops right, and, like, half you head was bald and then as soon as the other half was going to be done a vampire came out of nowhere and bit you! You would be stuck like that FOREVER!" Jasper and Rosalie looked at Alice with contemplation on their faces.

"What if… and this is only a what if… but could you bite someone hair off? vampire teeth are the strongest thing in existence aren't they?"

"I don't know if it would work?"

"I think we should try it."

"Agreed, but on who?"

"EDWARD" all three of them yelled up the stairs. Edward came into the room. "What's up guys"

"QUICK! GRAB HIM!" Alice yelled. Jasper grabbed Edward by the shoulder and pushed him to the ground. Rosalie helped him hold him down.

"GAH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" Edward yelled while Alice smiled over him. She pounced on him and started trying to eat his hair. After a couple of seconds she got off him and took a lock of copper hair out of her mouth. "It works!" she yelled. Edward pushed Jasper of him causing Jasper to lose his balance and fall into Esme's favourite table, breaking it. Rose fell over into Jasper.

"Give. Me. Back. My. Hair." Edward hissed at Alice. Alice backed away slowly into the corridor. "Calm down eddy, calm down." she looked around at her surroundings with panic in her eyes, looking for a way to escape.

Later that day

"Kids! I'm HOME!" Carlisle walked though the door with Esme. Esme dropped the shopping.

"WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY HOUSE!" She screamed. The house was trashed. Alice poked her head round from the top of the stair case.

"hehe.. Er… surprise!" she raised her hands in hair and tried to smile. Esme let out a battle scream and ran after Alice. Alice screamed and ran away from her. Emmett came out from his room just as Alice was running by and Esme proceeded to grab Emmett by the throat and throttle him. She kneed him in the stomach and smashed his head into the floor before getting up and moving onto her next victim.

Lets just say The others got off a lot worse then Emmett.

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**In conclusion- Don't mess with Esme**

**Please Review! TLW xxx**


	6. Jasper

**Disclaimer: We do not own twilight** **or England, Sweden, Australia, Canada, India, Japan, Egypt and Europe**

**We haven't updated in a while so we thought we might give you a story :) by WOKgeotobi**

Holiday

Carlisle, Esme, Edward, Bella, Emmett, Rosalie and Alice were gathered around the TV watching a bad documentary on acid rain and its effects on lime scale erosion. Japer walked into the room.

"Hell-lo" Jasper said with a tinge of happiness in his voice. Everyone ignored him and continued to watch the documentary. It had just got to the very interesting part about freeze thaw and its effect on igneous rocks.

"I said HELLO!" Jasper yelled waving his hands in front of their faces. He sighed. He stopped and noticed Emmett crying into Rosalie's hair.

"Errr… Emmett? Are you OK?"

"Sob.. Those poor igneous rocks… all that expanding and… sob…contracting. I feel their pain… and then tomorrow.. sob… they'll expand again."

"Ookay then" Jasper said raising his eyebrows "I'm just going be be... er over there… away from you." Jasper went over to the armchair in the corner of the room and sat down. After about 20 minutes Jasper suddenly stood up and yelled "What the hell is your problem! Is this all you people do all day! Sit and watch pointless things on TV and waste your afterlife away! One day you could accidentally trip into a shredder and fall into a precariously place furnace! I mean what have you people even done with you life! There is so much more than this!" Everyone ignored him.

"That's it! I'm LEAVING! I'm going out to have FUN! YES! FUN! HAHAHAHA… HYAHAHA" He walked out of the room laughing manically to himself.

Somewhere in the middle of nowhere

"Okay, now let me think, what can I do that's fun around here?" Jasper looked around him for inspiration. I know I can go on holiday! That would be lots of fun!" Jasper was half way over to the nearest city when his phone rang. Jasper glared at it for a while- It was black with a picture of a skull on it with lots of red strips, as he was trying to go for the overboard emo look- finally he opened it and saw Felix as the caller name.

"What do you want Felix?" He asked. "I specifically told you I did not want to talk to anyone for the next 10 years. I'm busy being emo."

It turned out to be Marcus and he had a rather intriguing conversation with him.

"Ok then, where was I, oh yeah, holiday" Jasper eventually reached the nearest city and went into the booking office. It was mostly empty except for a few people working on the desks and a mother and her 3 year old child crying in the corner of the room. He went over to the woman on the furthest counter, a woman in her early 20s with red hair tied up in a bun and chewing gum. She looked up from where she was doodling on a Disney land poster when she saw Jasper.

"Hello there miss, I was just wondering if I could book a holiday here" He said in his most gentlemanly accent. The woman stared at him for a while and eventually said in an Australian accent "Alrigh then, wherecha wona go?"

"Where would you suggest?"

"Well, ya see." the lady said, popping the bubble of bubblegum in her mouth "I'm not allowed ta talk to da customers about what holidays ta take or my boss'll fire me but I would suggest taking a leaflet from the box over there." She pointed to a black box with leaflets sticking out of it "But watch out, their may be som chewing gum stuck to a few of da papers." Jasper walked over the box wearily and picked out a few of the leaflets. After browsing though the pile for about 15 minutes one practically caught his eye.

The Cullen residence - 1 week later

Carlisle, Esme, Edward, Bella, Emmett, Rosalie and Alice were watching 'Oxidisation! Friend or foe, return of the emulsifiers." Alice looked up from where she was sitting, confused. "Do any of you feel like something is missing?" She inquired.

"Like what darling?" Esme replied.

"I don't know…. I've just felt like something has been missing… for about a week."

"You mean like that table Emmett and Edward smashed? It WAS a very nice table."

"Ah yes, that must be it" They all carried on watching the TV. Jasper walked through the door.

"Hey guys!" Jasper said, smiling, wearing a cheap T-shirt with the UK flag on it and covered in buttons with various countries on them, and a sun hat with corks hanging off it. Everyone continued to ignore him. "Guess where I've been!"

"Errr..." Emmett said without looking away from the TV "The corner shop?"

"NO! I've been everywhere! England, Sweden, Australia, Canada, India, Japan, Egypt, Europe!"

"That's nice dear, did you get any milk for Bella at the corner shop?"

"NO I DIDN'T GET ANY BLOODY MILK! Stuff you guys!" Jasper stormed off into his room.

"Sheesh, who peed in his cornflakes this morning?" Edward said. Jasper came back into the room carrying a carton of milk. "HERE! ARE YOU SATISFIED WITH YOURSELF?!" Jasper then proceeded to sit down and watch the documentary with them muttering "Well if you can't beat them, join them."

**Thank you for reading :) please review or die**

**TLW XXX**


	7. World Maths Day

Disclaimer: We do not Twilight or World Maths Day however I do own the title of Almost Einstein (one down from Human Calculator as will later become clear) and the other two world day mathematicians from TheLemonWedges: WOKgeotobi and eyebrow23 are Speed Demons, just like Jasper and Stefan xD

**Ok here's the next one by VegetarianVampire17! Hope you enjoy it! Please let me know what you think at the end and thanks to everyone who's reviewed already XD **

World Maths Day

"It's the 2nd February!!!" Jasper ran into the baseball clearing jumping up and down like a crazy person – not that he wasn't. "You know what that means right?!"

"Uh….no.." Stefan narrowed his eyes. He and Vladimir had come down for a visit. As a matter of fact they'd been coming down extremely often since the confrontation with the Volturi.

".God!" Edward gasped.

"WORLD MATHS DAY!" Jasper squealed. He and Edward began skipping through the field arm-in-arm.

"Not again!" Alice rolled her eyes. Bella looked at her quizzically. "It's this stupid maths international challenge thing they do every year. They won't be off the computer for a month now!"

"Geeks..." Emmett shook his head.

"Right…" Bella glared at Edward as he continued to celebrate with Jasper.

"Come on Stefan!" Jasper grabbed Stefan and dragged him towards the end of the clearing.

"You're going to love this!" Edward led them back through the woods to the Cullen house.

"Come on! We have to be the first to sign up!" Jasper sped through the lounge and switched on the computer. "Hurry up, damn you!" Jasper smacked the hard drive.

"It's been 3 seconds…" Stefan raised his eyebrows.

"Computers have speeded up a bit since your time." Edward pointed out. "Actually, there was no kind of technology in your time whatsoever."

"True, true. I remember when Vladimir and I went crazy when they invented light." Stefan smiled faintly.

"You mean the light bulb?" Edward corrected.

"No. Light." Stefan stared into space.

"Right…" Edward looked at him blankly. _He's finally gone senile…_Jasper thought.

"Yes it's loaded!" Jasper jumped up and down in his seat. "Crap…" The seat broke. "Esme's going to kill you..." Edward grinned. "First the table… now her chair…"

"Who cares?! It's all for the sake of maths!" Jasper began tapping furiously on the keyboard. "Ok, I'm in!" Edward and Stefan closed in on him and they all stared at the screen intently. "I'm playing someone from Italy! Wait….he looks familiar…Caius?"

"Yes! Who else has white hair, white skin, white background and a black cloak like that?" Stefan hissed.

"True…ok I'm playing Caius! And….Jacob?"

"Dressed like an idiot…horrible hair…dreadful sunglasses…must be…" Edward agreed.

"And the last one is….err….Prince Caspian?" Jasper and Edward frowned. "Damn! He has Aslan helping him…ok we're stuffed."

"Ah, but he doesn't have our super quick vampire speed typing skills." Stefan grinned.

"Indeed!" Jasper prepared himself as the first question came onto the screen. "Yes! I love multiplication! 2 x 2…"

"4." Edward answered.

"7 x 8?"

"56!"

"15 x 5?"

"The square root of pi!" Stefan exclaimed.

"What the hell?" Jasper looked up. "Damn my amazing reaction time. I already typed it in…"

"It's ok….Jacob has had three wrong. He's been striked out already!" Edward laughed evilly.

"I must say this game is rather fascinating!" Stefan grinned. "I must try this for myself!"

"Ok, but wait for Jasper to finish. 30 seconds left!"

"YES! I'm beating them all!"

"10…9...8…7...6...5…4…"

"Almost!"

"3...2...3…I mean one…"

"YES! I…wuh…" Jasper mumbled. "Bu….bu….WHO THE HELL IS VIKTOR FROM KAZAKHSTAN!?"

"I don't understand…" Stefan frowned.

"I should've come first!! Why is Viktor first? When was he even in the game?" Jasper began having a mini panic attack. "My eyesight…oh it must be weakening….my senses…my vampire speed! WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"

"You forgot to scroll down!" Edward rolled his eyes. "You idiot…."

"Ah…..but still I was beaten! By a mere human! Oh the shame!" Jasper slumped on the floor. "Edward, you take over…I'm going to go maul my wrists…."

"Okay but try not to make a mess...Esme's going to kill you enough as it is." Edward gladly took his place.

* * *

7 days later…

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!" Edward, Jasper and Stefan all squealed at once.

"We're playing each other!!" Stefan shrieked, bouncing up and down. Alice had bought them all their own individual computers to relieve herself of her boredom and now they never got off. Their hands would be glued to the keyboard if it wasn't for the fact they had to type in answers to maths questions every few milliseconds. All three were near the top of the leader board. And yes...Viktor was first.

"Prepare to be thrashed..." Stefan rolled back his shoulders, trying to look cool. It didn't work.

"Whatever..." Edward scoffed. "I'm faster than the both of you. I'm Almost Einstein! All I need is to come first one more time and I'll be a Human Calculator!"

"But you're not human..." Jasper pointed out.

"A minor technicality. But that doesn't mean I can't be a calculator!"

"Ah yes!"

"Ha! We're against Eric! Ok, my win is in the bag!" Edward leaned over his keyboard in keen anticipation. "Damn it's subtraction!"

"I hate taking away!" Stefan grumbled.

"Oh yeah, because you just love giving eh?" Jasper winked at Stefan.

"Well, you can't say I'm not generous!" Stefan winked back.

"Can you do this flirting stuff in your own time!" Edward snarled. "I'm trying to win here!"

"Ok, keep your hair on..." Jasper smirked. Stefan snickered as Edward shot him a dark look.

"Let's not bring that up again, Jazzy-poo. It's a sensitive subject for him. His hair is the only good thing about him....sorry...._was_....now all he has is his maths." Stefan grinned. Edward gripped the bridge of his nose, trying to calm down.

"Jasper. Run." He growled under his breath.

"What have you guys done now?" Bella walked into the room, hands on hips.

"Nothing..." Jasper smiled innocently. "He's just going through a....bad patch..."

"RUN IDIOT!" Edward snarled.

"Calm him down Jasper!" Bella insisted. "And shut up Stefan!" Stefan struggled to contain his giggles. He collapsed onto the floor in fits of laughter. "You're not helping!"

"B..b...bad..p..p..p....patch!" Stefan squealed, gasping for unneeded breath.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Edward punched the computer. Seconds later it fell apart completely. "I HATE YOU JASPER! _ERIC_ WON! AND NOW I'M ONLY...SPEED DEMON!!!"

"Well I did warn you there was a slight problem with being a human calculator...you have to be human!" Jasper giggled nervously.

"ARRRGHHH!!!" Edward growled.

"Shit...." Jasper bolted, a terrified look on his face. Stefan leaped to the end of the house and hid behind the curtains, trying to camouflage himself against the white-washed walls. Edward sped up the stairs after Jasper doubling his speed. Suddenly, a loud CRASH reverberated throughout the house. It was followed by a BANG! Then another CRASH and another...

Esme screamed. "THE CHINA TEASET! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

**In accordance with the T rating, we decided it would not be appropriate to go into any more detail regarding what happened next...**

And Alice sat rocking surrounded by various shopping magazines and giggled. Until she was tripped over and then proceeded to rip eddies hair out more to make her super ultra vampire-wigs… for no apparent reason save for that it was fun. ALICE ROX :p (headbangingtogreenday)

**Well anyway, hope you liked it!**

**Please please please review!! Or we'll set Esme on you....**

**TLW xx**


	8. The Dare Game

Disclaimer: We do not own Twilight...but we do have Edward's hair XD

**Based on true events, although it has been distorted so much in my tiny and slightly crazy mind (she says slightly meaning beyond repair XD) that it will be unrecognisable to alllll Lemon-wedges. (by headbangingtogreenday)**

The Dare Game

"GAAAAAHHH!"

Bella stared incredulously as her husband was thrown from the third floor window of the Cullen residence. He picked himself up from the crater his body had made on impact with the tarmac and waved absently, rubbing his head.

She rushed over frowning, able to hear Alice's voice a pitch above what was physically possible for humans, as well as far faster and incredibly loud. It resembled the sounds a dog whistle made.

Alice.

She quickly grasped that Alice was planning the Halloween party. Edward explained he had tried to help put up decorations, and he had been an inch and a half out of place. Hence the flying lesson.

Bella rushed upstairs, human speed because Alice is VERY scary when she wants to be. Emmett was standing outside the main lounge with a shocked expression on his massive face.

"Sh-she chucked out the Hot Wheels racer track…" and he sat on the floor shaking.

Bella stepped over him and opened the door, sure to kick him on the head as she passed. He thumped to the floor muttering.

Alice was standing, waving what appeared to be a long grey sock, in the centre of the room. She was directing a particularly harassed looking Jasper about the place as he hung decorations that were perfectly co-ordinated.

Bella stepped in a single step more and Alice whirled about, screaming with a manic expression on her face. She was laughing and squealing at the same time.

She dashed out again, to the kitchen, and crept back over a quivering Emmett, and handed her a vodka and coke… sure vampires don't really like that kinda stuff but hey, Alice is an eccentric.

Alice drank deeply and sat on the floor in the middle of the room rocking slightly before smiling up at Bella gratefully.

"I like Halloween" she said with a grin and then shook out her spiky hair. She chucked the sock at Edward as he climbed back in through the window.

"Don't get tarmac on the carpet!" squealed Esme from behind the couch. Every vampire within a few metres (meaning Edward, Emmett, Jazzie and Alice) all turned to her with amused expressions on their bliddy perfect faces.

"What?"

(several –painful- hours later)

"YAAAAAY!"

Everyone in the house turned towards Alice's room before tramping their way upstairs. Her endless mood-swings had pretty much made Eddie loose the last of his hair.

(Writer runs away from a snarling bald Eddie)

Upstairs Alice was found sitting on the floor, watching the sun setting from a massive wall-to-wall window, her shadow getting longer and longer.

Every so often Eddie's white body could be seen beating the crap out of something brown, red and grass covered on the floor.

Reading some sign, invisible to Bella's eyes, the rest of her vampire family went and sat close to Alice, forming a small circle. Bella slowly approached the circle, slowly meaning twice as fast as any human being has ever gone but still slower than most vampires.

In the centre of the quiet vampire circle was a small bottle made of red glass. It was stuck to a small board that had all of their names written on in bold calligraphy. Everyone was sat in their assigned spots. Bella was pleased to note that Edward had returned and was allowed to sit next to her.

Alice cleared her throat imperiously and everyone turned to her solemnly.

"Lady-vamps and Gentle-vamps, and the bear," she said, glancing with a small grin to Emmett before continuing. "I am pleased to announce that 2009's 'Cullens' Dare Game … Has… Begun!"

Okay I will continue this throughout the course of the wonderful next few months but there will be random moments in-between from my other Lemonwedges sooooo

do review and if you have any questions or niggles or just wanna insult me a lot, don't hesitate to PM headbangingtogreenday (me ) cos my email box is very lonely XD

**TLW x**


	9. Tanya's Visit

**This was written by Mett Cullen =) hope you like**

The house was quiet and no lights were on. Jasper and Alice were upstairs in their bedroom discussing the importance of eyeliner, Edward and Bella were upstairs in Edward's room, discussing the prospects of Nessie's education , Carlisle was in his bedroom playing tomb Raider on his play station 3 with Esme and Emmett and Rose. Well, they were doing what Emmett and Rose normally do…

Suddenly the doorbell rang.

"Edward!" Jasper yelled across the hall.

"Jacob!" Edward yelled.

"Bella!" Jacob called.

"Alice!" Bella shouted.

"Dad!" Alice screeched.

"Emmett!" Carlisle boomed. "Emmett?" he said, raising his voice even louder. He sighed. "Esme!"

"I'm right next to you!" Esme moaned. "There's no need to yell!"

"Sorry, just sticking with the effect," Carlisle mumbled apologetically.

"Is someone getting the door or what?" Edward asked, a hint of annoyance in his voice.

"Well I'm not!" Jasper called.

"Then who is?" Bella asked.

"Alice?" Everyone , except Emmett and Rose, called in unison.

"Fine! Be quiet for a sec and let me think." The house fell silent once more. "Esme." She stated.

"Esme!"

"MOM"

"ESME?!?"

"Dear," Carlisle said finally.

"FINE! I'll get it. But you'd better pause the game Carlisle Cullen!" she threatened.

"MOM!" Jasper, Bella, Alice and Edward yelled in unison.

"I'm going! I'm going!" Esme huffed.

"And hurry up too!" the voice at the door moaned.

"Tanya dear? Is that you?" Esme asked, prising open the front door.

"Who else would it be?" Tanya said, beaming at the horror stricken look on Esme's face.

"Come in, come in," Esme said, holding the door open for her niece. "What brings you here?"

"Oh, I've been given a holiday." Tanya said happily.

"So you thought you'd come and visit us?" Jasper said with forced calm, coming down the stairs with Alice.

"Kids! Carlisle! Get down here!"

"Coming!" Bella yelled.

"Oh, and get your brother and sister on your way down!" Esme added as an afterthought.

"There is no way on this earth that I'm going in that bedroom!" Edward said, shuddering as he reached the top of the stairs.

"Get down the stairs." Carlisle said, joining them at the top.

The three Cullens, Edward, Bella and Carlisle trundled down the stairs to see Tanya.

"Hello Bella, Carlisle…Edward," she purred.

"Jacob!" Edward yelled. "Get down here and re-meet the family!"

"I really don't see why. If Emmett and Rosalie can stay upstairs then so can I!"

"Jacob honey," Esme cooed. "Please come down for a little while. It would mean the world to us."

Jacob fought with himself for a moment, but he couldn't resist the kindness and sincerity is Esme's voice.

"Edward," Tanya cooed. "I brought you a special present."

"Really?" Edward said, surprised.

"Of course!"

"How come I don't get a present?" Jasper said indignantly.

"That's because Edward' the _special _one?" Jacob complained.

"That's because I've known him longest, or best." Tanya grinned.

""Thanks," Edward said warily.

"Don't thank me now! You don't even know what it is!"

"I suppose. But I'm sure I'll thank you for it later anyway."

"Yeah, I'm sure you will," Tanya mused.

"Oh just give him the dam present would you!" Jacob moaned.

"Jacob right?" Tanya said, glaring at the werewolf.

"That's right," Jacob grinned.

"Well Jacob…"

"Yeah,"

"Shut up!"

"Tanya!" Emmett yelled, crashing down the stairs in his jeans.

"Emmett!" Tanya yelled, back.

""Are you going to give your cousin a hug?" Emmett teased.

"I dunno, might do," Tanya mused, but nevertheless she gave him a hug.

"Emmett," Rosalie scolded, gliding down the stairs.

"Sorry," Emmett mumbled, stepping out of the hug.

"Well that's a first," Jasper grinned. "Emmett being the first one to break the hug."

"Ouch! That hurt!" Emmett said in mock hurt.

"Stop it boys!" Esme laughed "I'm glad you and Rosalie are here now," she said.

"Yeah, well I wouldn't miss a trip from Tanya." Emmett smiled.

""I'm touched," Tanya laughed.

"So, what's this I hear about presents?" Emmett asked bashfully.

"Ah," Carlisle said to himself. "I knew there would be an ulterior motive.

"An ulterior what?" Emmett said, turning to face his dad.

"It doesn't matter," Bella said quickly. "You were going to give Edward a present?" she said, turning back to Tanya.

"Yes, well, as I know it's your favourite, Edward, I brought you some… Tanya began. "PENGUINS!"

"You brought me some penguins?" Edward asked nervously.

"Yes! I remembered you telling me that they were your favourite!" Tanya announced happily.

"Wow! That's really nice!" Bella said, beaming at Edward. "Isn't it honey? Honey?" she frowned, at Edwards paler than normal complexion.

"Oh, sorry," he shook his head. "Thank you. I can't believe you remembered."

"Oh come on. I could never forget you saying that you loved the penguins." Tanya grinned.

"Mmm, and I've regretted it ever since," Edward muttered.

"I can't believe you bought Edward _food_!" Emmett complained.

"Yeah, why's he the special one?" Jasper said, hurt. "Is it because he's ginger?


	10. Rocks and straighteners

**New Chapter! WOO! After about 10 years... So how are you all? Missed us? Probably not XD By the way as it's me writing this, me as in WOKgeotobi, I have to say there may be lots of errors as spelling is just something that hates me with a loathing passion. And I hate it, oh I hate it SO much. So if you see any bad spelling just... ignore it.  
**

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Rocks and straighteners

"Jaaaaazzzz..." Emmett and Edward both Whined.

"Jaaaasper..."

"Jazz."

"Jazzy wazzy."

"WHAT DO YOU WANT ALREADY!?" Jasper was getting annoyed now as Edward and Emmett had been doing this for 3 hours.

"Jasper Whitlock Haaale."

"WHAT. DO. YOU. WANT!?"

"Oh Jasper, the question is... what do you want?"

"I WANT YOU TO GO AWAY!"

"Don't you know what day it is today Jasper?"

"Tuesday?"

"Yes, it is a Tuesday. But what DATE?"

"February 16th?"

"And what special EVENT happens on February 16th?"

"The Lithuanian independence day?

"And what else?"

"I honestly don't know."

"I think you do know."

"No I don't."

"Yes, Jasper. You do."

"I don't."

"You do. Believe me, you do. Now think."

"I... I really don't know." Jacob burst into the room with Esme.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"

"My birthday? I thought we didn't celebrate birthdays?"

"Well since we've been hanging around with Jacob we decided to go to Seth's birthday party. And it was AMAZING! There were balloons. Lots and lots of balloons! And a high school musical cake!"

"I got to eat Zac Effron's face!" Emmett added in.

"And then we hit piñatas and blew out candles and there was a sleep over! It was the best thing ever. So as the most gorgeous out of everyone here I decided we are going to start having birthday parties! Starting with you!"

"I. AM. NOT. Doing it."

"We all got you presents!" Esme chirped in.

"Okay. I'll do it!" Jasper sat in the middle of the floor while the others put their present in a pile. Alice, Rosalie, Bella and Carlisle walked in.

"But if you open these you have to have a party."

"Yeah, sure, whatever. Presents." Jasper reached to the top of the pile. The first one was from Esme. On it, it said 'for my 3rd favourite son'.

"Wow! Sims 3! I love you mommy!" Jasper hugged Esme.

"I love you too darling. I love Edward and Emmett more but there is still a tiny bit of love left for you."

"Open mine next!" Emmett said.

"Whats this?"

"They're wheels for my car. Just in case, you know. Your car breaks down and you need to drive mine. Just. In. Case."

"Gee, Emmett. That's such a considerate gift."

"OPEN MINE!" Edward said, exited. Jasper picked up a large box and started unwrapping it. Underneath was another box, which he unwrapped to find another box. After going through 16 boxes finally he got the final box, which was the size of a match box. He opened the final one to find nothing inside it.

"What?"

"NO! Your letting it all out!"

"Letting what out!?"

"I bought that oxygen for $20 on eBay!

"You brought me oxygen?"

"Not just any oxygen, oxygen from TEXAS!"

"Well... thank you. I guess?" Jasper went to pick up Carlisle's present.

"A rock?"

"Well, after carefully analysing humans and typical human families I have found that they have all bonded through the act of _pets._ But if we got a real pet it would be eaten within 3 days with you around so I have come up the perfect solution! A PET ROCK! You can play with it all day and it won't get tired, need feeding or make any mess!"

"My first pet! YAY! I LOVE YOU DADDY!" Jasper hugged Carlisle.

"Your still not my favourite son."

"Dam. Jasper opened all his other presents getting his very own hair straighteners from Rosalie, so he would stop borrowing hers. Tickets to go see Metallica with Jacob and stuff that is to dirty to mention in this fan fiction from Alice.

"Thank you everyone! I haven't felt this happy since that fat man fell over on his bike on 'you've been framed'!"

"Birthday party time! WOOOO!"

"Actually," Carlisle started, "We can't. You all need to go to mental testing classes today. And it's in alphabetical order so the Cullen's have to go but the Hales stay behind."

"So me and Rosalie stay behind?"

"Until tomorrow, yes. And you can have Jacob and Bella as well, as no one like them."

"BUT I WANT A BIRTHDAY PARTIE!" Edward complained.

"SHAME!"

"BUT I WANT..."

"BE QUIET OR I WILL MAKE EMMETT MY FAVORATE SON!"

"Okay." Edward, Emmet, Alice, Esme and Carlisle left to go be tested after about 5 minutes.

"So... who wants to have a sleep over party?" Bella asked.

"As long as we do each other's hair and makeup and watch chick flicks." Jacob added.

"I'm cool with that." Rosalie said.

"What do you think Jazz?"

"YES! LET'S MAKE THIS THE BEST SLEEP OVER EVER!"

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**Please Review! Or die a terrible death! THW XXX  
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Extra mini spin of story

Jasper sat at his computer, playing on the Sims.

"Hey Jasper, whatcha doing? Not that I care." Rosalie asked.

"The Sims! It's Amazing! I've made a family with everyone in this house. So far Carlisle has a job as a chef, Esme is a rock star. Edward is a school dropout but puts all his efforts into making his garden perfect. I forgot to put you and Alice as sisters so you accidently formed a relationship and became lesbians and me and Bella have a child together! Plus Jacob drowned and is now a ghost."

"Wow, that IS a nice garden Edward has there."


End file.
